Hahahaha

Me: Kate Middleton is really pretty, don't you think Mom?

Mom: She's off the market T.P., so don't even think about it.

I hear the secrets that you keep

Five years ago today.

"I have a secret. It appears it's a secret I can't even write about, really. I guess I figure that if I write it, it'll actually be true. And it can't be. I know this sounds like it doesn't make sense, or it wouldn't to the average person, but then again, the average person shouldn't be reading my diary.

I don't know what to do, I really don't. I've had this secret for quite some time, I've just never truly acknowledged it. I don't know why I am now. I don't know if I'll ever write about it again. Geez, it sounds like I'm pregnant or something. Thank goodness, no. But still, I don't want this secret either."

Then the Thesbian Princess said something in German (she was studying German at the time), bid her diary gute nacht, and did not, in fact, write about "it" for another five months.

A very sad and confused 18-year-old Thesbian Princess would've been thankful. Because a lot of the time...it is tremendously better.

Girls will be boys and boys will be girls

A few nights ago I was being driven home by a taxi driver, and for some reason, he wanted to talk about my love life.

Oh yes.

Had I just come from doing something with my boyfriend, he wondered? Hah, said I, just before I proceeded to tell him details of my life that cannot and should not be summarized in a ten minute drive home. With a perfect stranger. In the wee hours of the morning.

I came out to him, and when I did he was like, "wait...girl...???" as if he didn't hear me right. Then when I said oh yes indeed, girls are amazing, I just can't find any blah blah blah, he was like, "well you shouldn't anyway, you should try with a man." Ohhhhh yes. He did.

I then said I HAVE tried dating men, it didn't fit, and he says, "well, you should try again," so I said "have you ever tried being with a man, sir?" He claims "that's different," but I said I really don't think so. Then he said I have to think of God and how I'm going to have to answer to Him one day. So I, trying not to get worked up, say that I know in my heart that God loves me, God made me to be just who I am, go blow yourself, etc etc. Okay maybe not that last one. But it was one passion-infused lil statement.

Probably why, when he finally dropped me off, he awkwardly/sympathetically suggested, "have you ever tried, uh, The Embassy? I think...maybe you should try there."

I'm a sex machine ready to reload (and apparently that's totally cool)

Have they not seen The Real L Word?

This also brings me to the fact that one of my coworkers, who had recently gone out to see strippers for his birthday, informed me that "it's a good time, and you don't want to have a slutty girlfriend, so it's cool that you can go there and, you know..." To which I replied "what, watch other girls be slutty? What is a slutty girlfriend, anyway? Someone who's sexing you a lot? Because I don't see that as a problem. Someone who's sexing other people? Because then...I don't think she's your girlfriend. And also, it's a stripper's job to "be slutty," as you say. HER JOB. It's a service." Then I reeled it in and didn't ask how he is exempt from sluttiness in being a patron, etc etc.

Also my grandma told me the other day to "remember, Thesbian Princess, men don't like bossy women - take note." Noted.

Grams mustn't have noticed my slutty thesbian eyeing of a Miss Ellen Page when a clip from Inception interrupted her evening news. Let's take a moment to be queer sluts once more. After all, there is apparently no shame...

You better shop around

So I work as a cashier, and many a possible thesbian has gone through my lane. Today in particular, a fairly feminine blond woman wearing an adorably splashed-upon paint suit came through. Immediately I think - should I do something? I have terrible (I mean terrible - remember Dana Fairbanks [RIP]?) gaydar, so when I have even the slightest inkling (extra side note: inkling is taken from inclination, so why the k?!) that someone might be a thesbian, I get quite excited. I want to give them a special nod, and get one in return. I want RECOGNITION. So I look a bit deeper into a possible thesbian's eyes, as if to say "I'm one too!" when in fact I'm probably just creeping them out. I noticed that she smiled for an extra millisecond and looked at my name tag...I guess until I start wearing my "I'm a lesbian, ask me how!" button to work, I'll be content with that.

Baby bye bye bi

Oh yes, I'm going there. Bisexuality. The myth. The legend. The actual sexual orientation that is, to some, as believable as unicorns. I could be one of those people. On my path to thesbianism, I claimed bisexuality for just about two years. Then one day I realized that boys are gross and that I am very much a thesbian, a way of life that all women should embrace. Kidding! Only some boys are gross. Most are just mildly uncouth.

What I actually realized was that I had been fooling myself all along - I was always a thesbian, I had just been telling myself that I was bi to keep a straight safety net for my future. So for all y'all out there who believe that bisexuality is just a stop on the way to Gaytown, well sure, it is for some. But just because it was for me doesn't mean it is for everyone - can you not say that you enjoy both cake and ice cream? Both can be deliciously sweet and chocolatey, so why should you claim to only like one, when both have good qualities? Very similar qualities, in fact, except perhaps that one might get a bit more, ahem, liquified, if left for too long. But do you get what I'm saying? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Hey, maybe you're simply a cake person. But just because you only like cake doesn't mean you couldn't possibly comprehend how someone might deign to say she likes ice cream too, amirite? Now I really want cake and ice cream. Dammit.

Back to my point - just because you've never felt quite the same way doesn't mean something fails to exist. "I've only ever felt like a woman before, therefore men don't exist." Sure, try that one out. Forget the "they're greedy" crap, the "they're indecisive" baloney. Feel like a whole lot of your bi lady friends end up in serious relationships with men? Perhaps because, considering they're BI, they could end up with either! Also let's consider the fact that there are approximately a gazillion straight men, and about 3 thesbians.

I think about this from time to time, because there seems to be a pretty strong undercurrent of biphobia within the LGT community. What? What's that? I missed something? There's supposed to be a B in there somewhere? But what does it stand for OH RITE BISEXUALITY.

I am making a post about it because a week or so ago I was in a very lovely thesbian bar. When striking up a conversation with my friends (an awesome thesbian couple) and the Hottie Von Hottenheimer employee serving us, Hottie was introduced to me, and before she even asked me my name she inquired, "are you bi?" Was this because I was dressed so femmey my eyes were shooting pink lasers? Was it because she has ready-to-go biphobia? Or was it because she actually has a thing for bi ladies? I very quickly found out it was not the latter, because as soon as I said "no, I'm a thesbian," she replied "good," and our convo moved to drinks. Perhaps she was just trying to be funny - she did seem to have quite a tongue-in-cheek sense of humour throughout the rest of the evening. It just kinda rubbed me the wrong way, though - what if I was bi? How would she have reacted? I'm pretty sure thesbians are judged by society enough to realize that this biphobia should be a thing of the past, stat. I got the feeling that, in informing her of my thesbianism, I was proving something - but what?

Look, ladies, if you're worried that she's going to leave you for a boy, why is that any different than if she leaves you for a girl? And if she's leaving you, maybe it's because you're insecure or biphobic. Or because you're a boy, in which case you're probably gross or mildly uncouth, and she's going to become a thesbian in a year or two so you may as well just give up now.

Bye bye bye!

If I fell

I just watched the preview to Beyond Gay: The Politics of Pride, which I sadly missed at a recent LGBT film festival. Mid-trailer, a couple of statistics came up on the screen:

Homosexuality remains illegal in roughly seventy countries.

In seven it is punishable by death.

I couldn't believe it. I often dismiss how lucky I am to live in Canada. Sure, there are risks in coming out as gay still, but we definitely do not risk punishment by our legal system. To think that by the simple, innocent act of falling in love, you're putting your life in danger? Today?

I wanted to know a bit more about rights, so of course, in Googling LGBT legal rights I was lead directly to Wikipedia. According to their entry, "in modern times seven countries have no official heterosexist discrimination. They are Belgium, Canada, Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, South Africa, and Spain. This full non-discrimination includes the rights of marriage and adoption."

Seven countries. SEVEN countries. That is ridiculous. My marriage isn't valid in any other country? And my life would be at stake in seven countries if I even tried to get married??

I wish I could help, I wish I could do more to change minds and change laws...I am very blessed to live where I do.