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Ummm...

So I'm a femme-seeking-femme, non-animal-loving thesbian.

Yep. It bodes very well.

But I really am allergic, you know.

Dressed up like you're something else

Ties! I sometimes love wearing ties. Though momentarily popularized by Canadian chanteuse April The Vineyard, it has been a thesbian staple for years. Yeeeears and years and years. Well at least a couple of decades.

HELL YEAH THAT'S AN ASCOT, TONY BENNETT LOVES EM

DREAMBOAT TO 92.5% OF THE FEMALE POPULATION, NBD

So while I wouldn't say ties are strictly thesbian when worn by a woman, they certainly seem to help in getting less male attention while at a bar or club.

OR SO I THOUGHT

This is a tale of geographics, and fashions, and perhaps drunken patrons who just wanna get some. This is a tale of Canadian Boys versus English Boys.

In Canada, like I said - if I were to patronize a typical straight club (ie any club that is not specifically deemed gay, queer, thesbionic etc etc), I seem to get so very little male attention when I wear my button down shirt, my nerdy glasses, and my tie. The most I've ever gotten I think was a "hey dude, nice tie!" Perhaps a high five to follow it up. But basically, whether it was my intention or not, guys haven't paid much attention to me unless I follow a more traditionally feminine dress code.

When I went out to a fun little bar for my friend's friend's birthday party last weekend, however, this was not the case. I was chatted up/danced on by not one but two boys. On my way home, two different boys kissed me when they stepped off of the subway.

Thus I have concluded that at home, boys mainly see girls in ties and think "thesbian," while guys here think "quirky straight girl with an off-beat fashion sense." That, or they're too drunk to care. I will keep wearing my tie to collect this scientific data.

QUIRKY STRAIGHT FASHIONS

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

Oh hey there thesbians! It's been awhile hmm? It's been quite the last few months. Thesbian parties, thesbian lovin', thesbians thesbians everywhere. I am, in fact, a newly transported sapphic sister. I just flew the coup and I'm currently residing in the U.K. awooo! Well, partial awooo. The truth is I don't know if I'll love my job here, I've separated from a girl that I really care about and miss, and I'm living with friends who are a couple. Friends who do coupley things. Which is great and all, but it makes me envious and a bit sad. I want someone to canoodle with while waiting for the train. I want to have someone I pay for once in awhile, and not in the prostitute kind of way. So awooo to making a change and going through with plans that I'd promised myself long ago. But abooo to being a big thesbian baby and random bouts of blahness. Maybe the Queen could give me some advice, we're probably more similar than you think. We both like a drink and wearing sashes every once in awhile. And she has a palace too.

Hahahaha

Me: Kate Middleton is really pretty, don't you think Mom?

Mom: She's off the market T.P., so don't even think about it.

I hear the secrets that you keep

Five years ago today.

"I have a secret. It appears it's a secret I can't even write about, really. I guess I figure that if I write it, it'll actually be true. And it can't be. I know this sounds like it doesn't make sense, or it wouldn't to the average person, but then again, the average person shouldn't be reading my diary.

I don't know what to do, I really don't. I've had this secret for quite some time, I've just never truly acknowledged it. I don't know why I am now. I don't know if I'll ever write about it again. Geez, it sounds like I'm pregnant or something. Thank goodness, no. But still, I don't want this secret either."

Then the Thesbian Princess said something in German (she was studying German at the time), bid her diary gute nacht, and did not, in fact, write about "it" for another five months.

A very sad and confused 18-year-old Thesbian Princess would've been thankful. Because a lot of the time...it is tremendously better.

Girls will be boys and boys will be girls

A few nights ago I was being driven home by a taxi driver, and for some reason, he wanted to talk about my love life.

Oh yes.

Had I just come from doing something with my boyfriend, he wondered? Hah, said I, just before I proceeded to tell him details of my life that cannot and should not be summarized in a ten minute drive home. With a perfect stranger. In the wee hours of the morning.

I came out to him, and when I did he was like, "wait...girl...???" as if he didn't hear me right. Then when I said oh yes indeed, girls are amazing, I just can't find any blah blah blah, he was like, "well you shouldn't anyway, you should try with a man." Ohhhhh yes. He did.

I then said I HAVE tried dating men, it didn't fit, and he says, "well, you should try again," so I said "have you ever tried being with a man, sir?" He claims "that's different," but I said I really don't think so. Then he said I have to think of God and how I'm going to have to answer to Him one day. So I, trying not to get worked up, say that I know in my heart that God loves me, God made me to be just who I am, go blow yourself, etc etc. Okay maybe not that last one. But it was one passion-infused lil statement.

Probably why, when he finally dropped me off, he awkwardly/sympathetically suggested, "have you ever tried, uh, The Embassy? I think...maybe you should try there."

I'm a sex machine ready to reload (and apparently that's totally cool)

Have they not seen The Real L Word?

This also brings me to the fact that one of my coworkers, who had recently gone out to see strippers for his birthday, informed me that "it's a good time, and you don't want to have a slutty girlfriend, so it's cool that you can go there and, you know..." To which I replied "what, watch other girls be slutty? What is a slutty girlfriend, anyway? Someone who's sexing you a lot? Because I don't see that as a problem. Someone who's sexing other people? Because then...I don't think she's your girlfriend. And also, it's a stripper's job to "be slutty," as you say. HER JOB. It's a service." Then I reeled it in and didn't ask how he is exempt from sluttiness in being a patron, etc etc.

Also my grandma told me the other day to "remember, Thesbian Princess, men don't like bossy women - take note." Noted.

Grams mustn't have noticed my slutty thesbian eyeing of a Miss Ellen Page when a clip from Inception interrupted her evening news. Let's take a moment to be queer sluts once more. After all, there is apparently no shame...