Monday, March 18, 2013

Sun it will rise soon enough

Since Thesbian Palace isn't the runaway hit that it once was (hah), I feel like I can perhaps be more honest in my entries. And yeah, this one has a more sombre tone than I would like, but it seems I very rarely think to write when I am happy.

Though there have been happy things to write about. My girlfriend A took me to Ottawa for my birthday! I have never been to Ottawa before, you see, so it was a very exciting trip for me. We even stayed in a nice hotel, procured by A so that we would have privacy away from her mom and to be close to the downtown. I also recently moved, so that was a big moment. Nerve-wracking, but big and ultimately good, I think. It was heart-warming to have so many people help C and I move into our place. A especially, she was super helpful the whole day, and...

Yeah, it's hard to think of happy things when things with A and I have just ended. It seems a bizarre change to me, to talk to someone everyday and then suddenly not at all. I will now give full congratulations to smokers who give up cold turkey. Well done, you! Keep it up. The thing to do I reckon is to think of your sad emotions like nicotine cravings. Once you push them to the back of your mind enough, you won't have them anymore. Right? Maybe. Probably.

In the moment that it happened I felt like I was going to put it all on me, like I usually do; what intrinsic quality do I have that renders me unlovable? And while these questions do roll around in my head from time to time, I realize that with this break-up, it's different - I mainly just miss her. I miss the excited anticipation that I would get when I knew I was going to see her, the calm I would feel when in her presence. I miss listening to her tell me about her day, even the parts I didn't understand, because she would just explain things a little easier so I would. I miss talking to her about silly pop culture things and I miss holding her hand. I miss goodnight texts and anytime hugs and about a million other things, but mostly...I just miss her. It's the kind of missing where you want to do things you really oughtn't, like text her or call her and make dramatic appeals of getting back together. But these aren't options. Because some things just aren't your call. So all you can do is keep going, and wait to start to heal.

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