Hot blooded, check it and see

I'm sick! No actually, I'm siiiick :( :(

I very rarely get sick, I think. The last time I remember being sick was around New Year's Eve last year. Let me tell you, as much as I am loving the single thesbian life, having a gf when you're sick is so freaking stellar. When I'm sick, there's nothing I want to do more than cuddle up to someone I love and share all of my germs with them. It's not about the germ-sharing, of course, I always feel pretty bad about that in the end. But when you're feeling gross and alone, it's a pretty great feeling to have someone buy you popsicles, rent The Office on DVD, and give you limitless snuggles as you blow your nose 'til you look like Rudolph. Now I had to feverishly stumble to the convenience store to buy my own popsicles, and slept all day.

As I said though, the single thesbian life is going along pretty well indeed. Was it nice to be in the same couple-dom stage as most of my friends? Yes. But does it also feel nice to make out with lots of thesbians and half-thesbians, all while keeping my heart intact? You betcha. I always greatly disliked the character of Shane on The L Word, but now I think she might have been onto something...

K, gonna go sleep for 18 hours now.

And so it is

Do you ever cry when you end things? Since, whenever I've been broken up with the breaker has never cried in front of me, I found myself taken aback when I began to cry yesterday. But then I was glad I cried - that's how sad I was to hurt another person, and that's how much I would miss her presence in my life.

I hope I've made the right decision. I think I must have. It's very hard to tell sometimes, isn't it, thesbians? When you care about someone, but something just doesn't feel right. It still doesn't feel good. The girl is so kind and genuine...I hope we find a way to be in each other's lives. I hope I'm not self-sabotaging. I hope that one day the idea of a relationship will be ok with me again.

Whenever I want you all I have to do is

Just when you think that you're going to have one moment in your day not thinking about them, you dream about them.

Dear unconscious - kindly fucking stop. Give me dreams about how happy I can be without them. Or at the very least give me dreams where I get to make out with Evan Rachel Wood.

Sun it will rise soon enough

Since Thesbian Palace isn't the runaway hit that it once was (hah), I feel like I can perhaps be more honest in my entries. And yeah, this one has a more sombre tone than I would like, but it seems I very rarely think to write when I am happy.

Though there have been happy things to write about. My girlfriend A took me to Ottawa for my birthday! I have never been to Ottawa before, you see, so it was a very exciting trip for me. We even stayed in a nice hotel, procured by A so that we would have privacy away from her mom and to be close to the downtown. I also recently moved, so that was a big moment. Nerve-wracking, but big and ultimately good, I think. It was heart-warming to have so many people help C and I move into our place. A especially, she was super helpful the whole day, and...

Yeah, it's hard to think of happy things when things with A and I have just ended. It seems a bizarre change to me, to talk to someone everyday and then suddenly not at all. I will now give full congratulations to smokers who give up cold turkey. Well done, you! Keep it up. The thing to do I reckon is to think of your sad emotions like nicotine cravings. Once you push them to the back of your mind enough, you won't have them anymore. Right? Maybe. Probably.

In the moment that it happened I felt like I was going to put it all on me, like I usually do; what intrinsic quality do I have that renders me unlovable? And while these questions do roll around in my head from time to time, I realize that with this break-up, it's different - I mainly just miss her. I miss the excited anticipation that I would get when I knew I was going to see her, the calm I would feel when in her presence. I miss listening to her tell me about her day, even the parts I didn't understand, because she would just explain things a little easier so I would. I miss talking to her about silly pop culture things and I miss holding her hand. I miss goodnight texts and anytime hugs and about a million other things, but mostly...I just miss her. It's the kind of missing where you want to do things you really oughtn't, like text her or call her and make dramatic appeals of getting back together. But these aren't options. Because some things just aren't your call. So all you can do is keep going, and wait to start to heal.